When It's Not You: Recognizing When Your "Anxious Attachment" Is Actually a Response to an Unsupportive Relationship

There's a lot of talk about attachment styles these days—anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful attachment. We often hear that anxious attachment people attract avoidants, triggering shadow aspects that need healing. But I want to pose a different question:

What if you had a supportive, loving partner who made you feel seen, heard, and appreciated—would you still feel anxious?

The Revelation That Changed My Journey

In my personal journey, I reached a point where I was doing everything to heal:

• Working with different therapists and healers

• Reading all the self-help books

• Watching countless YouTube videos

• Reflecting on my trauma

• Developing self-awareness

• Working on my mindset

And then came my biggest breakthrough: What if that person is causing this anxiety? What if they're the reason I've become anxious?

I started asking myself: What if I had a partner who created emotional and spiritual safety? Someone who:

• Made me feel confident in expressing my feelings

• Didn't shut me down when I spoke up

• Honored my requests

• Didn't dismiss me

• Didn't discard me the way I was discarded as a child

When You've Done Enough Healing

There comes a point in your healing journey where you have done enough work. You don't need to:

• Learn a new tool

• Heal anymore

• Unlearn anymore

This realization typically arrives when you're emotionally and spiritually exhausted. When you find yourself asking, "What am I doing wrong?"

The answer might be: nothing. You're doing nothing wrong.

Your anxiety isn't always a wound that needs healing—sometimes it's a warning that needs heeding. What you call an anxious attachment may simply be your authentic response to an environment that doesn't support your growth."

The Helicopter View

Imagine yourself in a helicopter. When it's on the ground, you have one perspective. But when it lifts off, you gain a completely different view of what's happening. Your energy shifts, and you feel freer.

From this elevated perspective, you might realize: You might not have an anxious attachment style at all. Instead, you might be surrounded by people who are re-traumatizing you—people who make you believe you still have healing work to do.

The only work left might be to say goodbye to certain people in your life.

The Power of Supportive Relationships

What would happen if you surrounded yourself only with people who see you, hear you, and love you?

If you can't think of anyone who fits this description, ask yourself: What am I doing to make myself feel seen, heard, supported, and loved?

Sometimes, the most profound healing comes not from changing yourself, but from changing your environment and the people you allow into your life.

This post is about recognizing when relationship dynamics are causing your anxiety rather than an inherent attachment style. It's not about blaming others, but about understanding when to stop blaming yourself.

 Ready to go deeper on your healing journey? I offer 1:1 support for those who are ready to shift, awaken, and truly transform. If that’s you, let’s connect.